the red light...

The red light caresses my eyeballs for the eighteenth trillion time in my life and I realize how much life I have lived since first being introduced to the calming waves radiating out of this small painted bulb. I think, my god I was 13, give or take, when he showed me red lights.

A quarter of a century ago I was 13 and being seduced by the illusion of romantic love for the very first time, well maybe the second. And I was listening to dire straights and smoking parliaments and not inhaling. I was drinking wine coolers and crying with my best girlfriend about knowing each other on our deathbeds when we're forty. A quarter of a century ago, give or take.

And now I'm two years from 40 and god damn it there is a lot I want to do before I die. And I'm quite certain I have many more years before I run out of this proverbial time racket we all seem to buy into, but things are nutty right now, things seem nutty right now and it's got me thinking, I may not be dying in two years, but I am dying.

Which in turn begs the deeper question inside me which brings me to my knees in tears right here, right now, where I sit.

What in gods name am I doing not living?

What is it inside me that's keeping me from spending every moment I can doing something I love or at least finding something I love about every moment I'm in? It's not always so easy to walk away from the illusion of comfort and safety and control. And frankly many people out there literally can't walk away from these said illusions which when engaged with seem very, very real.

But I can. I can literally and metaphorically walk away from these illusions and follow what it is that's in my heart. So why? Why am I not?

It's a good question, it is, but perhaps the rub lies not in the answering THAT question. for it occurs to me answering that question is just more thinking, more examining, less doing. Perhaps the better question is what would it look like to live? What would it look like to live full out? For me?

I close my eyes and still sense the invitation of the light that has held my hand through all these years. I see a stage, I see a microphone, I see an audience. I see published books and award winning movies, I see a set where I go every day and get to play out loud doing what I love. I see people, people who make me laugh and fill me with delight. I see people who make my skin tingle and my senses come alive. I see airplanes and oceans, I see turquoise water and white beaches, I see Greece, I see Ireland, I see Africa, I see the Northern Lights. I feel..... And how do I feel?

I feel expanded, I feel expressed, I feel joy, loving and warmth. I feel connected, creative, unleashed. I feel energized and healthy and committed to that which is outside of me, to that which comes through me and I honor it. I feel alive.

The new question arises as I open my eyes and prepare for every new moment in front of me and the opportunity becomes clear. I turn out the red light by my bed and prepare for sleep. Sleep which will prepare me for tomorrow. Tomorrow which is the first day of the rest of my life.

Grateful for each and every thing I have and will experience in the history of my short time here on earth, grateful that I still have my red light and that I still love it, grateful that dire straights will always give me goosebumps, grateful that I no longer smoke parliaments and that I do still talk frequently to my best friend who, like me, is nowhere near her death bed and perhaps most of all grateful that I know what my gifts and talents are and that I know I am tasked to share them - -

I will wake up with the intention to create one or all of those feelings I tapped into while traversing the highways of my imagination in every single moment I can. Because I am dying. And no matter what is going on around me, I always, always have the choice to live.

This world is just so damn big...

This world is just so damn big and yet teeny tiny all at once. 7 billion of us to be exact, and change. The paradox of it all is enough to drive a woman crazy and fill her with the fire of inspiration at the same damn time. Driving down the road with the wind in her hair and the bass pumping through her speakers, the sun on her skin soaking in all the magic of the world in every cell. All the ups and all the downs all the turn it all arounds. Remembering every moment that has ever existed in this one, because that's all there really is, this one. And planning, at the same time for every moment to ever come, in this one moment, because this one moment is really all there is.

The sun beats down a little stronger as the traffic slows to a halt and she thinks look at all these damn people. Sitting in their cars, staring out their windshields or worse staring at their phones. She thinks of all these people on this one street and then all the other streets where cars may be stopped, and then all the streets where people might walk. Like the crowded New York avenues she grew up navigating, or the empty streets of Missoula Montana where two teenagers are perhaps sharing their first french kiss in the heat of the night, or the loud, humid streets of Austin Texas where the man she once loved is probably doing drugs with the woman who let him, or the old rickety house in the back hills of Kentucky where a 90 year old couple sit in silence as they have been doing for the last 60 years fluctuating between moments of love and moments of hate because the grass is always greener and browner all at the same time and all in this moment.

In this moment, she thinks, inching her way down Wilshire boulevard, in this moment, hearts are breaking open, people are dying, people are being born and reborn over and over. People are dancing, singing, laughing and people are cowering in fear, silenced and crying. In this moment a man is thinking of a woman who is not his wife and a woman is sleeping with a man who is not her husband. In this moment children are innocently playing and learning and falling down as they grow, skinning their knees to oblivion.  In this moment people are being disrespected and killed and celebrated and revered.

In this moment, this one moment we have, everything is happening to everyone all at once. All 7 billion of us to be exact, and change.

And it's enough to drive her crazy, if she let's it. And it's enough to drive her to create her wildest dreams, if she lets herself. And in fact it's enough to remind her that there's an infinite amount of possibility, there is an infinite amount of life, an infinite amount of coincidence to go around. That it's all there at our fingertips, all there for the taking in this one moment, it's all for her and it’s all magic.

She looks up as the traffic starts to move and she looks across the street and sees, stuck in traffic on the opposite side of the street, the man that she has been romantically involved with who has very little if not every reason to be there.  She honks, she waves, she feebly attempts to call his name over the revs and roars of the engines around her. And the light turns green and they all drive away without connecting and yet they have connected in the deepest of ways. They all have, facing mortality and the infinite possibilities that exist in this illusion called time together in standstill traffic. And she is left to decide what it all means when the truest thing it means is that he did not see her, when the truest thing any of it means is the what isness of what it is. Nothing more nothing less. All it means is that they were in orbit and that maybe, maybe God is running out of extras, but even that's a stretch.

So she turns up the music and drives away. They all drive away into the next moment to create whatever they want. all the theys in that traffic on Wilshire Blvd, all the theys in all the traffic on every congested street. All the theys on those over crowded New York avenues and all the theys in those small towns sharing kisses for the first times or doing drugs or staring out into space from their porches next to their husbands and wives for the last 30 years. All the theys in all the places, driving away, breathing away, living their way into the very next moment to create their very next magical experience on this tiny giant earth.

I believe in love...

I believe in love. I believe in magic. I believe in possibility. I believe in men and I believe in women. I believe sex is sacred and something to enjoy, something to enjoy, something to have fun with and something to take care with. I believe in slowing. It. all. Down. in service to juicing every heavenly moment we get to experience for all its worth.

I believe in being awake. For all of it. I believe in sleep, deep rest. I believe in listening. I believe in silence. I believe in neutrality and unconditional compassion. I believe we are all doing the best we can and that there is always, always an opportunity for growth. There is always a choice for evolution.

I believe in staying creative, forever in the position of creation. Engaging with it, dancing with it, singing with it.

I believe in light and I believe in kindness. And yes, I believe in a higher power, a god, in all forms. I believe in heaven on earth, I really do.

I believe in laughter and getting off on every stroke. I believe in our bodies and their ability to exist so magnificently in this place we call home. I believe in surrender and open hearts. I believe in orgasm and the sacred connectivity that can happen between us.

I believe in divinity and humanity. I believe that each and every one of us is inherently worthy and love-filled. And I believe in mistakes. I believe we will always be as honest with each other as we can be, as we are with ourselves.

I believe in acceptance, peace, joy, loving, gratitude, patience, equanimity, abundance and life.

And kissing.

I believe in kissing.  A lot.

Don't do it....

Don’t do it, just don’t do it. Don’t go down that rabbit hole that is somehow so consistently easy to go down. I don’t want to tell you to avoid it at all costs because, well, it’s always going to be there and the more you fight it the more tempting it will be. Believe me I know, I fall into it too, and so does he and so does she and so do all of the theys you have ever laid eyes on or thought about in your entire lives, this and any other.

I mean I can’t guarantee this persey, but there’s a reason existentialism has existed for so long.

Yes you are 30 something, maybe you’re 20 something and maybe your 50 something, 60 something 70 something! It doesn’t matter, I bet money that hole is tempting you. You know the one I’m talking about, don’t play coy. Yes, I thought my life would be different than it is too at this point.

At the very least I thought I would have the perfect body whatever that means. And I thought my perfect body would attract the perfect fiance and we would be on our way to growing a human inside of me. Sure. Of course I did. But guess what, I’m not. And that’s ok. And it’s ok that I thought I would be and it’s ok that I sometime still think that and get sad that it’s not in fact happening.

But here’s what I have figured out, that is not quite the way things work. In fact not at all. Perfect bodies are the bodies we have, relationships are not meant for perfection, they are meant to call out our imperfections so that we can choose to grow together or grow apart. Children are not meant to fix things they are meant to grow into their own creatures and we as potential parents are supposed to nurture them and let them learn their own lessons the way we do plants. It’s a little more intense than horticulture but the essence is there. And here’s what else I have learned, it’s not that the grass is always greener, it’s that the grass is always green everywhere. And it’s always brown too. For everyone all at once, all at the same time.

It’s the agony and ecstasy of life, the proverbial thorn on the perfect deep red heavily scented rosebud.

It’s the knowing that as soon as there is a hello there is bound to be a goodbye. It’s the forgetting that we are the love that we seek and that while goodbyes happen no one ever really leaves. Until they do. It’s the forgetting that they always live in us, in our memories and remembering that this is not quite the same thing as smelling their necks when you go to squeeze them tight.

It’s the falling into the hole of believing that the pain that cracks our hearts wide open on any given sunday (or monday, or tuesday, or…) means there is something WRONG with us, or them, or that. It’s the forgetting in those moments that the love that overtakes us and moves our bodies to dance or hug or kiss, that moves our bodies to sway to the piercing guitar of Santo & Johnny’s Sleepwalker, that that love is who we are and that everything is in fact RIGHT with us.

Sadness is. Love is. You are. I am. 7 plus BILLION people are.

And here’s the kicker, none of us, not one, have ever been in this moment ever before. We are so young, as a culture, as a world. I know that is really hard to believe because we are so advanced and smart. I happen to know you are brilliant so I understand it’s hard to fathom that as a whole, we are young and it’s hard to fathom that there is nothing WRONG with that. The problem is that we demand against the what is-ness.

This is not to say we ought to roll over and never attempt to change things. No, we MUST change things, especially now. But this begins with accepting that there are so many infinite different experiences and even more feelings to go with them. It begins with accepting that none of us know what the fuck we are doing and that we are mostly motivated from our pain, from our fear, from our insecurities.

Can you imagine a world where all 7 plus billion people were motivated from the knowing that they were whole, complete, loved just by being born? A world where we all believed in ourselves and knew ourselves to be beautiful and amazing withOUT comparison to some societal standard of what is good or right? A world where we all loved ourselves wholly and unconditionally and were gentle and kind as each moment passed because we knew there was no wrong way to live a moment we have never lived before? A world where we knew there were consequences to actions but that didn’t make us wrong or bad? A world where we each vowed to treat each other kindly because we saw ourselves in each other? and we saw each other in ourselves? where we valued every single moment of human friction or human living as a moment where we were in fact growing? Always growing up, always growing down, reaching for higher levels of consciousness and deeper levels of the love that we are?

What if the world was like that? What if that is the path to climb towards instead of diving down that hole?

I’ll tell you what, I’ll make you a deal if you try to run this experiment with me. I know that rabbit hole remains, I can feel it right now. But instead of choosing down the hole of I am full and carrying extra weight and I still chose to eat that cookie after dinner, I am going to choose to focus on the fact that I ran longer and better than I ever have today. And that I show up for myself at the gym three days a week and while I might not run as fast or hard as that olympic trainer, I run as fast and as hard as I can and is there really a difference there if we are both pushing our edge? and my body feels good, it feels alive, full, but alive.

Instead of choosing to focus on the fact that I am going to bed alone and I feel hopeless at flirting I am going to focus on the fact that I had lovely conversations with lovely men today and I flirted well with them and they flirted right back with me. and I know it is possible for me to let my guard down and say a deeper hello to a man when the time is right to do so, and I know that time is coming. until then I will choose to focus on the fact that this is my opportunity to step forward as the woman I want to be in a relationship and not the girl I never was. 

I am going to boldly propose that we don’t need more money, more stuff, more war, more separation, more security, more perfect bodies, more sex, more boyfriends, more girlfriends, more cars, more houses, more children, more building, more doing.

We need more love, more kindness, more patience, more connection, more authenticity, more art, more song, more dance, more color, more intimacy, more slow walks in the sun, more body moving, more community, more compassion, more space, more breathing, more being.

Instead of choosing down the rabbit hole of compare and despair I will choose to celebrate each and every brother and sister for the loving and perfectly imperfect human they are because here’s the truth: this is who we are, human.

perfectly imperfect bumbling brilliant beautiful humans inherently worthy of the love that we are.

Time...

Time is of the essence...not enough time...the only time is now...if I could put time in a bottle...if I could turn back time...time and time again...time goes by so slowly for those who wait...time flies when you’re having fun...time is on our side...in the nick of time...time heals all wounds...there’s no time like the present……

There is no shortage of illusion around time, this is probably the only truth about time there is. It so often seems like time is just another construction we have created in an effort to understand what it is that actually happens in this place we call earth. What it is that is inherently un-understandable. And yet time goes on, inevitably.

I am getting older, every minute of every day. And so are you.

And sometimes, most of the time, in humanness we wish that wasn’t true because we don’t like the idea of time running out. But can it? Can it really? Because when we have the great pleasure of being around those who touch our hearts on the deepest level, time literally stops. Suspended between tomorrow and yesterday in that one moment, time does not matter.

Simultaneously traveling back to the moment in the breezeway of the house you spent every summer of your childhood together dreaming of this very moment you are in, holding hands in the living room watching television, crying from joy and traveling forward towards a time when your frail hands will be wrapped around each other’s again, getting ready to travel on to whatever great adventure lies in the beyond, reflecting on the 80 or more years you have gotten the great privilege of loving each other as deeply as you have.

This is love, and love defies time.

And this is what we get to do, what we all get to do. Whether it is with our first cousins or our sisters, our best friends or our husbands, our aunts and uncles or our pets or complete strangers on the street passing by and greeting you with the warmest smile you have seen all day. It is what we are each scrambling to do in almost every moment, connect and the possibilities are infinite. And we will do it again and again and again because hearts grow together and then they grow apart, bodies fall away, goodbyes happen, they have to. It is how this place works. But that does not mean the love, the connection and especially the magic of each and every moment we spend here did not exist.

If anything it means the magic in the love, in the connection, the connectivity available to us in each and every moment we are here with each and every person we connect with is even more palpable, more powerful. Every connection is an opportunity to be unconditionally kind, and in that kindness to experience ourselves as the loving that we are. Even if that connection is between you and you, you and your body, you and your mind, you and your soul. Especially if that moment is between you and you, you and your body, you and your soul. Because ultimately that’s all every moment is. And you get to keep them all, even when the moment is gone.

This is called memory. Remembering. Another trick of time.

We can remember fondly every person and place and thing we have ever done, until we don’t. And of course there are also things we wish we could forget that will not leave us, until they do. Best not to dwell either way, same as thoughts and feelings. Children, for whom time speeds, seem to know this better than anyone. Original innocence knows this. Let it all pass through the human mind the way clouds pass over the sun. Let the memories and the emotions and decisions and ideas about time or anything that happened pass over the pure inherent loving that we are, that we will always be, that lies in the center of our beingness fueling us like the earth’s core.

The loving that gets sparked when you are driving through Laurel Canyon for the seven millionth time, remembering all the versions of you that existed all the other times you drove through it. Remembering the countless times the same sun beat down on your same skin which has regenerated as many times as your all your tires on all the cars you have driven that have traversed those very same curves. Remembering all the people you have ever loved precisely while driving and listening to that same song that has traveled through your ears since you were 14, falling in love with that boy you don’t speak to anymore but still love, and love deeply.

The loving that gets sparked when you think about every single moment of time you have ever lived and how grateful you are to feel the sun and hear this song and notice your heart growing bigger with every passing second. And you don’t want time to pass anymore and you want to go back to all of those moments and you want to go forward and see what’s going to happen and you are aware it is going by so quickly, in the blink of an eye. And you blink your eyes and tears start to fall, steadily. And you turn up the music and weave through the cars and without noticing you make it on to the 101 North and suddenly, suddenly you are grateful for traffic.

Because in traffic, time lasts forever. And that moment to stop and sit and breathe and remember there is always enough time, and always enough love because both of those things somehow live inside you, somehow are you, that moment becomes the moment you remember - there really is no time like the present...

...Thank god.

Life Goes On...

here's the thing, life goes the fuck on. britain is no longer part of europe and soccer still gets played, poorly by some, brilliantly by others and still always enjoyed by most. stock markets crash and babies still get born. wildfires burn and opus' get written. people all over the world still go to bars and order drinks and talk to strangers and have bodies touch underneath the table sending jolts of turn on up their legs. they remember that they can in fact connect face to face with men/women and that life does exist off of social media. thank. God.

people remember that horrible things happen but that does not make their lives horrible. that people are capable of doing horrible things but that does not dictate that people are horrible beings. no. in fact it's the opposite. people are amazing. they may make stupid decisions without being properly educated and life goes on. because people make mistakes all the time. small mistakes and huge ones. and mistakes, when used properly, make people look twice at what they want instead. mistakes can and ultimately will, no matter what, lead to creation, to rebirthing of something anything. and this is the proverbial rub, which beast are we going to feed?

are we going to feed the beast that focuses on the what happened as a mistake or the beast that knows it's an opportunity? are we going to focus on all the things that are wrong and why they happened and who to blame and how awful it is that these things are happening to us? or are we going to focus on the fact that we are actually alive to feel them? will we feed the beast that creates the suffering or lovingly accept the suffering as an opportunity to grow out of it?

it's not always that easy. people get stuck, it's true. and in the face of death and heartbreak and disease and politics and addiction and righteousness and wrongness and explosions and natural disasters, it feels beyond a shadow of a doubt true that these things are happening to us. not for us. but that is actually a perception choice. people, like victor frankl, imprisoned in not one but three different concentration camps during ww2, can choose to focus on things that will make them feel better. just the very next better feeling thought. Whatever that thought is.

and yes horrible things happen every second of every day but the sun still shines and the world still turns. and clouds still pass through the sky wanting to be seen and held in all of their magnificence. and humans are just like clouds. magnificent. magnificent as they open their eyes every morning faced with another day, a day that will have high points and will have low points.

a day where they will see, speak to and hug the people they love. a day where they will politely smile and avoid those they don't. a day where they will get phone calls from people they want to speak to while waiting for other phone calls that never seem to come. a day where they will forget, for a moment, that being externally referenced is in fact exactly the wrong beast to feed if they are wanting to experience peace and that nothing actually exists outside of themselves. a day where they will want to run home and hide under the covers in one minute and stand on the mountain tops and sing as loud as they can in the next. a day where music stops them and they can't help but dance. a day that reminds them that joy does exist because in one split second someone is so funny that they forget to remember to be miserable.

A day where britain leaves the EU and it will be ok. a day where they will meet someone at a bar and choose not to go to their hotel despite the electricity because they are choosing to honor the fact that in that moment they wanted more than that. A day where swings get swung, children fall down and flowers push through the dirt to bloom for the very first time. a day, hopefully, that will inspire them to choose to feed the beast of joy, the beast of creation, the beast of living expanded and free inside of their own consciousness because at the end of this and every other day that has ever ended, life does go on and there is not a damn thing we can do about it...

We are after all but animals....

we are after all but animals and to quote the brilliant mary oliver we "only have to let the soft animal of your body love what it loves". we are all doing our best, seriously, for real. all learning at different paces in different styles with different unique strengths and weaknesses alike. we all have bodies, all of us. bodies that do these stunning, gross, amazing, inconceivable things. we have these bodies that walk on two legs and hold us up and breathe and break and bleed. we sleep, we drool, we eat, we drink, we fall, we get up, we fall again, we get up again. over and over and over again.

it's outstanding really, if we were to stop and think of all the things we do, the things we survive every single day.

there are days, maybe today was one, where to get out of bed, to even open our eyes feels like the hardest thing in the world. and then to make it out the door in a million degree heat and do burpees and wallballs and rowing and running all before 9am seems even more ridiculous. but we do it. and then we go to work and we plaster on a smile and we wish beyond wishes that it wasn't a fake one. but today, no today with the full moon and the all of the growth afoot, as much as we love and we mean deeply love the people we are smiling at we can't. fake. it. anymore.

and that's ok because we are just an animal. and we are an animal that thinks and wonders and analyzes and can't help but question if we should have gone to that party last night to see that guy that we think is oh-so-cute and charming. we are animals that wonder what other animals think of us constantly and compare ourselves over and over which is why sometimes it is just so hard to make it out of bed in the first place.

but thank god we did because when we're not watching, or constantly picking apart at the animal nature of our humanness we connect, we laugh, we get real and honest. we get heard by each other, we listen to each other, we get quiet with each other, we get loud with each other. we cry and it feels good. we scream and it feels good. we laugh and it feels good. we flirt with that cute guy and it feels oh-so-very good. we play back gammon and win and we play again and we lose. we wrap our mouths around food that tastes good and we do the next thing at our jobs and somehow notice that it's an amazing thing to do.

and we walk in the sun with our best friends and drink coffee and feel every single thing. we feel the full moon pull on the water that makes up 80% of our bodies, it pulls us as it waxes, infusing us with energy and movement inspiring us to act, to create, to live out loud. it pulls us as it wanes, asking us to go inside, to nurture, to still, to listen in the deep silence. it affects us so because we are but animals living loving lasting in this world.

and though we are animals, it is up to us not to fall into the traps of animal ways. it is up to us to care, first for ourselves and then for others. it is when we truly get this and live it with every breath that our animal nature can be truly accepted, appreciated, nourished, loved. then we will stop betraying each other, beating each other, raping each other, killing each other. how could we at that point when we are no longer threatened by each other, no longer scared? how could we when we recognize each other as each other because of not in spite of our differences? all men, all women, all races, all sexual preferences, all beliefs and opinions... how could we? we couldn't. we wouldn't. we would live in a much more open space then, we would let our animal bodies love what they love peacefully and without judgement. and that field out beyond right doing and wrong doing would be the world.

idealistic i know, and tonight it feels far away but miracles are always right around the corner and....a girl can dream can't she?

Remember this moment....

Remember this moment.

Remember this moment with the wind in your hair, driving down Washington Boulevard in a city you have lived in for almost 20 years.

Remember the moment you pulled in to Los Angeles all those years ago with your first cousin after the most solidifying relationship building road trip cross country at arguably too young an age.

Remember how scared you were going 70 miles an hour in legitimate traffic and cutting through the pink haze sunset on the 10 west through Rosemead.

Remember that moment too. And this, this moment after a delicious night's sleep in your giant king bed in your new fancy sheets in your new fancy home. After a nutritious breakfast with your best friend and business partner planning for all the amazing things to come. This moment on your way to pick up a new friend, in the scheme of things, realizing that driving to her house has become familiar and that must mean it's love. Mutual girlfriend love. The kind of girlfriend love that moves deeply into your heart. Remember the music pulsing in your veins and the smile that rests gently on your relaxed face.

Remember this on Monday when you decide the world is against you and that everything is caving in and that you are quite obviously the most awful disgusting selfish beast of a human to ever walk the earth.

Remember this on Tuesday when you categorically choose to feed the other beast. The beast that convinces you how worthless you really are, the beast of comparison and better than or worse than. The beast of shoulds and I told yous and do it my ways. The beast of I know better than and I should have known better thans and if only they would listen and do what I say because obviously I know everything. The beast of why am I never going to get it right or feel like I belong and obviously I know nothings.

Remember this moment Wednesday when you forgot what freedom feels like because you quite accidentally fell into a human pattern of victimhood or over responsibility or addiction to something. Because let's face it we are all addicted to something, Facebook, work, alcohol, game of thrones, fear, blame, you name it we have found a way to escape from our feelings come hell or high water.

Remember this Thursday when it feels hopeless and overwhelming. When you're sure your house is too big and the fact that there's no man or baby in it yet must of course be a reflection of how unlovable you really are. Despite the fact that you are in touch with people you have known and loved since you were five, obviously they stuck around for some other reason than loving you.

Remember Friday when you wake up and read about another fucking mass shooting that you can choose how to hold it inside. No matter what it's horrific but you can choose to find the beauty in any horror. That's your choice.

Remember on Friday and Saturday and Sunday how choices are yours to make, always. Remember that yes every feeling you have is important to have and that what they say is true, the only way out is through but none of that, none of it is actually you. Remember that above all else please. Remember that who you are is not ANY of those things and that those things are absolute illusion.

Remember that you jogged today and did sit ups and push ups and squats. Remember that you know how to take care of yourself in the face of illusion, you know how to choose out, to choose love. Remember that you are going to see a comedy show tonight with your close friends and you are going to laugh so so hard and be inspired by a courageous mans talent, by his mastery and ability to show up.

Remember that you are going to wake up and see your cousin, your sister, your best friend and soak in the sun and the love and the beauty of connection that defies time and space that defies even our physical bodies. Remember that THIS is what's important. Remember how big your heart feels and then think of going to celebrate life with 200 people who have faced their barriers and blown through them to create.

Then remember creation. Always remember creation and remember that in this moment right now that expanding heart is all you actually need to remember. The only thing ever that you need to remember is that. Is that who you are. That love that openness that joy that wind in your hair, the color of the green light turning to yellow, that man on the street singing to his deepest pleasure despite the fact he has no home, the color of the green Ivy draping over the 405 overpass, the girlfriend who hops into your car and says let's go, the road as you peel away into what's going to be a long and lovely night, it's all you. That's you. The real you.

Remember this moment because you are truly aware that you are love. And that's the greatest moment there is. And it is yours for the taking over and over and over......

Owning My Orgasm - (nc17 do not read if you are my family :))

 (NOT SUITABLE FOR WORK OR IF YOU ARE MY FAMILY MEMBER :)) 

Broken, she once said. out loud. multiple times.

                I feel, I am, I must be

                       B R O K E N.

I want to be thrown up against a wall, I want you

to be whatever it is I have been programmed to

                think a man should be

to pair with whatever I have been programmed to

              think a woman should be

                              in me.

I see, I think, through cloudy eyes, a faint

                           pinpoint

of hope that none of this is

                             real

She sees, she thinks, a faint

                          pinpoint

of hope that none of this is

                             true.

Own your orgasm, she hears and tingles

head                        to                         toe

and suddenly that pinpoint of hope has a

location. a spot. a small charged path to

what she somehow knows is the road

home.                              

      her clit.

Later

                            days

                                                      Later

Under the covers, after years of a steamy

triple A affair, she wonders.

                     fifteen minutes.

and she thinks, I can not wait any longer

for you                                           for him

and she thinks, I can not wait any longer

                           for me

Reaching for the thin gold timing device

opening what she has heard is called a

                         container,

she stroked….and stroked….and stroked

opening what I have heard is a container

I stroked……………………....and stroked

                        and stroked.

Slow at first, and dry, just the smallest area

                            of me.

me                           to                            me.

fingertip to upper left quadrant. wondering

          what it would feel like wet

                  I suck my finger

drench it, tasting perhaps for the first time

                    my salty veil.

            oh, my breath hitches.

wet………………..feels……………….good

unchartered territory sends my brain traveling

                      unraveling.

what about him?

                            no

    up stroke up up up stroke

I wonder what he’s doing?

                  no

         up up over up up

I wonder if other people do this?

                 no

            stroke up over stroke

I wonder if my batteries would be faster

                            no

     up up faster up more pressure up

I wonder am I even doing this right? I drench

                    my fingertip again.

she drenches her fingertip again. She wonders

if she’s doing it wrong.

      and then her hips buckle.

        and her back arches

         her breasts saying hello to the sky

like greeting the oldest of friends

stroke

        stroke

                stroke

she can feel a dent in her skin and a

swelling she had never felt before. fascinated

in this tiny portion of her own body

she continues to stroke.

spreading a new dampness over what

had suddenly become expanded and ridged.

her hips begin to pulsate

the energy running through her entire body

different that anything she had yet

experienced. all from just. one. spot.

one tip               to                         one clit.

her breath hitches again

                        and again deeper this time

                                                  and again.

hips steady……………………...back arched

aware she is craving more she steadies focus

                        down there.

I don’t have to clench sheets she thought

hands otherwise occupied

my breasts do not have to be palmed to know

and then

                                                 it all stopped.

       all thoughts

                                   any ideas

anything other than the waves of energy the

                  waves of pleasure

the waves that can not be outrun as they ran

                  through her body

                  through my body

involuntary I have heard is what we crave.

in that moment seven and a half minutes later

I believe I rendered myself involuntary.

with one tip of one finger that was mine.

                    that is mine.

what will happen when that finger belongs

to another?

when I don’t have to be quiet for my roommate?

when I choose to share this

                       heavenly exploration

                     with a man?

                      maybe with a woman?

what will happen past seven and a half minutes?

what will happen when I….

the heat started just below her belly button

she sat alone in her candle lit office finding it

practically impossible to drag the pencil across

the page

the sirens echoed outside

the beat echoed inside against the walls

and her right hand could not help but begin

to explore

the entire span of her soft white skin.

is this foreplay? she thought breath deepening

her whole body tightened as her ass shot out

from behind her and she found herself

practically bent over her own glass desk.

        NO

I heard the voice say softly yet sternly

THIS IS YOUR ORGASM AND IT IS TIME

                TO TAKE ME TO BED

she slid her fingers between her lower lips

grinning as the moisture enveloped her.

who’s broken now

she whispered to the empty room

                                         not fucking me.

and she threw herself against her own

wall

metaphorically speaking

stroking

making plans to be stroked

                         making plans to welcome

another’s finger tip.

                         making plans to share

the pleasure of her clit.

                         making plans to say yes.

over…………...and……………….over.

learning that the pleasure was hers, inside.

stroking up, up, up

against those metaphorical

walls

over…………….and…………... over

until the walls came down entirely

leaving her

                                            leaving me

entirely

                       unbroken.                

Small Poems + Big Things

Do not really feel inspired, I actually just feel pretty tired. 

But I love to write my nightly thoughts, without these thoughts what else have I got? 

I have so much to be grateful for and with every moment I find so much more. 

It’s when we can really appreciate the things we have life gets great. 

So tonight I look around and count all the things I could not live without. 

My cats, my water, my music, my bed, my family, my friends and the voices in my head. 

The food in my belly the love in my heart, yes I can feel it growing-this is a good place to start. 

Looking around at the things that I love, counting my blessings sent down from above. 

Above or below who really knows where, I love it anyway; from where it comes I don’t care. 

As long as it makes me grow big and grow strong, I know me loving it cannot be wrong! 

So off to sleep I finally go, now that my heart is truly aglow. 

I know I’ll sleep tight I know I’ll sleep deep into my cells all this love it will creep. 

And when I wake up I’ll be ready to go, tired no more, I’ll give the world quite a show! 

.  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .

On this eve of our years end I cannot keep trying to pretend that things aren’t just as they’re meant to be, that we’re all right, that we’re all free. Even if we do not know it, even if we cannot show it, we can see it in each other’s eyes. Look a bit closer it’s no surprise. When we’ve laugh lines on our face it’s true we’ve lived a life of grace. That all of us can be so lucky, with choice my friend life is always ducky. Even in the darker parts there’s always light deep in our hearts. Light for us together to share, light that when lit makes the whole world care. So whether together or whether alone, this place that we live, this earth is our home. I say a prayer for you tonight, earth please know I keep you in my sights. I know you keep me deep in yours and with your ancient language we will be cured. Here’s to tomorrow, the next day and the next. With every breath may we realize we’re blessed. Blessed to live right here, right now. Each and everyone on earth, to you I bow. 

.  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .

Now it's time, its time for bed. time to rest my sleepy head. and tell my brain to please stop thinking-doesn't it realize my esteem is shrinking? with every single ego thought lies an innocent truth about to get caught. and every time the ego wins another trip down down down the rabbit hole begins. Tonight i will be ego free and take a look at how I feel about me. I won't care what people think of my actions, I'll take them anyway, I'll create traction! At least while I am dreaming deep I'll be so bold in my faith, I'll even leap. And when the time comes tomorrow to rise, I will open my eyes to find myself wise. Wise to the brilliant lessons i will learn, wise to want more it's inspiration I yearn. Oh of course I'll still care about you, her and him, but i won't give a damn what shape you think I'm in. I'll know that I'm good because i'll truly love me-and when that happens within we will all be free.