Fragile Strength

Yesterday 60% of these daffodils were buds, closed, cocooned in their casings. I did not think just 24 hours later and a little bit of LA’s finest tap water would create such a magnificent and swift bloom. Blooming, unfolding, transformation, emerging, becoming, being, radiating, coloring, receiving, living, thriving, drinking, making the most out of every single second they have here in my house on the corner of here and there, each in their most unique and wonderful of ways. No two daffodils opened the same way but with the right environment they seem to have all opened at the same time and instantly.

Last week a man climbed through the bathroom window into my house with muddy feet from the rain. I did not know he had stopped by until much later when I discovered the pried open window and the knocked down, tread upon shower curtain in the back bathroom just before bed. My heart raced and my head went into overdrive. No. I thought. It must have been my best friend ben, he must have needed something, and he certainly is wily enough to fit through that window, kind of.

I called ben. It wasn’t ben. As soon as I saw the young man’s air jordan's on my canary home video system, my body was met with a flood of anxiety. Ben, because he is the best, came right over and spent the night. He on my couch armed with a fire shovel, me in my bed armed with a fire poker. The flood of anxiety turned into sadness which turned into fear which turned into gratitude which turned into love which turned back into anxiety. none of it turned to sleep. All the time curious about the what if’s.

It’s been a week now, exactly a week and the film of violation has mostly lifted. I have installed gates and alarm systems. I have timed lights now and have stopped sleeping with the fire poker. I have started sleeping, mostly. Last night as I was drifting to sleep, I noticed this glow from my closet. I opened the door and was met with all of the sleek new technology of the ADT protection system I had two nice gentleman install earlier that day. One of them was small. Probably the size of the man that had visited me through the window.

I looked into his eyes. He was incredibly sweet and gentle turning away from me into the corner every time I entered my password or code into the system. And I mean of course he did, he had to, this was part of his job. But he didn’t have to be so careful and sweet and kind in how he did it. But he was. And it cracked my heart wide open. He had only been with ADT for two months and was clearly in training and doing his best to be on his best behavior. His partner was seasoned, trained, just as nice and just as wonderful with his young protege.

It reminded me of the cops who came the day after my unexpected visitor. One seasoned and curious about the breed of my cats, one sweet and nervous asking repeat questions and forgetting the answers, feeling excited and proud when he knew he could figure out the brand of air jordan's from the video. Ben had stayed and Barry had come over, I was surrounded by men. I could not help but noticed that I was surrounded by men. My third thought after watching the video footage of this mans feet creep into my bedroom over and over and over was if I had a husband, if I had a man, i better really get on that. As if it were something to get on. And then I am gently reminded the very next day, I am surrounded by men.

And they are all so sweet and all so thoughtful and all so considerate of my space and my reaction to the experience. It was all so exactly how I wanted to be handled. And while there were floating remnants of the what if’s and the how could he’s and the why do we treat each other these ways, there was more, oh my gosh and holy mackerel and man i am protected and I safe and loved and so is he.

Another dear friend reflected to me that this man was given a different choice point too, he got a pattern redirect. And I kept thinking he must have been so scared when I came home. Knowing somewhere in him that crawling into someone else’s home is not the best choice for karma points, it’s not the most self honoring thing he could be doing. He ran. He sounded terrified in the footage. And he was small, I mean he had to be small.

As I stared at the tiny ADT man making me safe, my heart cracking wide open, I thought about us, as a race, as a people, as a people who help people and people who hurt people. I thought about how we feel when we help people and how we feel when we hurt people. I thought about how we change and grow and learn and hopefully awaken. And how we all do these things at different levels, at different stages, in different ways. I wondered if this tiny man making me safe, who could not have been older than 23, had a lover in his life. I wondered if the tiny man who had crawled through my window had one too. Was it a man? Was it a woman?

I wondered if they had been in gangs, if they had robbed people before? Ben had. When he was younger, being a dumb young dare devil kid. Had this ADT man had turned the other cheek and was now sleeping with the enemy. Or rather the opposite of enemy. Had he been hard prior to now, this safety man, was he still? There is not often a lot of thought put into things like this. There is often not a lot of thought put into a lot of things. I tend to put too much thought into everything and it has certainly paralyzed me many times in my life. I wondered shifting my gaze from the man to the daffodils, how much thought they put into their unfolding. I wondered do daffodils think?

Humans are fragile. Humans are strong. Daffodils are fragile. Daffodils are strong. That man is fragile. That man is strong. Our world is fragile. Our world is strong. You are fragile. You are strong. I am fragile. I am strong. Life is fragile. Life is strong. We get knocked down we get back up. I bet my life that people who make choices that negatively impact the world around them are making choices based on a seemingly incurable pain that exists inside them. A pain of unworthiness, of believing they are not lovable. I bet my life that most of us are making choices based on our level of awareness of the love that we actually are, the inherent worthiness of who we are simply because we are here.

And there are as many ways of figuring it out as there are bodies on the planet. And change is constant, evolution is why we are here. I am evolving, the tiny man is evolving, the new cop is evolving, the bathroom burglar is evolving, the planet is evolving. Sometimes we need to go back before we go forward. And sometimes change is painfully slow, sometimes it feels like it's never going to happen. Sometimes it feels like I am never going to get it.. I will never be as free as I want to with this brain running at the speed it runs. And then all of a sudden I forget to think, and I allow, and i see the magical grid of life’s unfolding and then all of a sudden, I see. 

It is really all as it should be. Everything is really unfolding in the most delicious perfect way. Even if that unfolding includes robbery and orange president’s. Even if that unfolding is painful and seems meaningless. Is anything ever really meaningless anyway? Is it actually possible for anything to be actually meaningless?

Many spiritual teachings tell me that there is no meaning to anything, except I can not help but wonder now, the meaning of the fact that this all exists in the first place. As I stare at these bright yellow blooms I think, yes be careful of how much weight I give the meaning my human brain wants to attach to things. but also be careful not to forget that this life has meaning, it has value, it has worth. The days are long but the years are short. I don’t need to be a parent to honor this sentiment.

Savor your life. Savor each year, each month, each week, each day, each hour, each minute. Savor each moment. Even the hard ones. Even the blessed ones. Even the boring ones. Even the scary ones. Even the dark ones. Even the bright ones. Even the crowded ones. Even the empty ones. Even the loud ones. Even the silent ones. Let them each grow you, teach you, unfold you. Allow this world to work for you, for you, that is what it is here for. And as I write this I think, surrender means just getting out of the way, letting this all happen through me. And of course being an active participant of my life, yes, to go out there and have the most fun I can have, to follow my joy and shine my light AND to let my life happen. To let it unfold.

We never know what the thing is that is going to flip that switch of awareness, what the thing is that will give us the clarity to see and make and engage in the change that is coming anyway. Because while change is constant and often so slow, sometimes, just like that our stems get pulled up out of the earth and cut shorter and transported to a glass vase filled with delicious tap water it could be that very next morning that we wake up bursting with color, ready to shine, ready to radiate, ready to emerge, ready to brighten, ready to receive, ready to thrive, ready to be, ready to bloom.

Change is a process and not an event but sometimes, sometimes it happens over night, after moments upon moments upon moments of waiting, sometimes it just takes one night. and you never know what could be waiting right around the corner that very next morning…..